Serious thought should be given by parents, especially fathers, to prepare their sons for the various responsibilities that will be their lot when they spiritually mature and are baptised. As valuable members of an ecclesia they can extend their Godly influence, and if they marry, be faithful husbands and spiritual heads of their households, providing for their wives and families. This preparation for our sons’ future is a very serious responsibility. However, in placing emphasis in one direction, fathers may not have given sufficient thought to the responsibility that God has given them to care for and guide their daughters. Our aim in this series of articles is to consider this aspect of preparing daughters and young sisters for their equally important role in ecclesial and family life.
Divine principles do not change like fashions, but are age-abiding and therefore need to be carefully upheld. Clear guidance is given to fathers to instruct their children in Godly ways. In Psalm 144 David writes: “Rid me, and deliver me from the hand of strange children, whose mouth speaketh vanity, and their right hand is a right hand of falsehood: That our sons may be as plants grown up in their youth; that our daughters may be as corner stones, polished after the similitude of a palace” (v11–12). David’s desire was that he would be “rid” of the influence of those children of strangers who knew not God, so that they would not affect his sons and daughters and encourage them to conform to their evil ways. His desire was that his sons would grow up as strong plants, ultimately bringing forth fruit to the glory of God. For his daughters his desire was that he could teach them the real value of godly womanhood in the home and in the ecclesia. He wanted them to be foundation or corner stones of their palace or temple, as the word is normally rendered, and he knew it was imperative to carefully shape and polish them for this future role.
David wanted his daughters to be mature like the wise woman in Proverbs, and not like the foolish woman: “Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands” (Prov 14:1). Building a house takes careful thought and planning, which is then followed by patient and steady progress, using the correct materials, to fulfil that plan. Proverbs sees this work of building as the particular role of the woman. Paul instructed the mature sisters, or mothers, to “teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed” (Titus 2:4–5). This is the career development programme that both mothers and fathers should focus upon for their daughters. There is no greater or more rewarding “career” for a woman to aspire to. So fathers, as heads of their households, must ensure that this training to prepare their daughters is in constant progress—it is not a responsibility to be left solely to the mother.
All parents with daughters know that their little girls are a special treasure, bringing joy and happiness into their lives. As they grow their carefree ways are left behind and those softer womanly characteristics blossom as they develop in spiritual maturity. As they grow they realise that their father is their pillar of protection, who will do all in his power to protect them from anything untoward happening to them. They see their father as their confidant to whom they can always turn for sound judgment and wise guidance, because they have learnt that he always has their wellbeing foremost in his heart. In simple terms—they fully trust their Dad! And this is how God intended it to be.
Who Giveth This Woman in Marriage?
It is quite a touching moment for a father when he has to face the fact that he is about to give his daughter into the care of another man. The swiftly passing years from childhood, through teen years and on to womanhood seem to have passed all too quickly. Yet spiritually-minded parents have had this day in focus from the day their little daughter was born. They know what is necessary for a well-balanced marriage in the Lord, and they have steadily developed these values in their daughter. They have been gently fitting her for her important new role.
The expression, “giving in marriage”, is a scriptural term. As we know, marriage in its fullest sense is but a shadow of the marriage of Christ and his bride, the ecclesia. One of the hallmarks of Noah’s day, as it is also of ours, was a complete denial of the true principles of marriage, when “they took them wives of all which they chose” (Gen 6:2). So “in the days that were before the flood they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark” (Matt 24:38). As the true principles of marriage were forsaken and the sons of God married the daughters of men, so Christ warns us to expect the same situation in our day.
Yet the basis of “giving in marriage” goes right back to the beginning when Eve was given to Adam in marriage by God. She had been made as an “help meet [or ‘fit’] for him”, because God saw that it was not good that he should be alone. She was made with the capacity to be his faithful and beloved friend, and was presented or given to Adam in all her purity. The words spoken by God on that occasion were quoted by Jesus 4000 years later, showing that neither time, custom, nor any other fashion has altered these fundamentals of marriage: “For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh” (Matt 19:5). All fathers know that if they have a daughter they will possibly at some time be re-enacting what God did when He gave Eve to Adam. Parents need to be constantly vigilant, knowing that they must likewise prepare their daughter and present her to her husband in all purity and spiritual maturity, making sure that she understands her role as a companion and wife.
Paul Understood the Lesson
Paul drew upon the significance of Yahweh presenting Eve to Adam, for he saw in that event the fullness of its spiritual lesson—of Christ taking his bride, the ecclesia. The bride that Christ desires is “a glorious ecclesia, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish”, having been washed pure in mind by the word of God (Eph 5:27). Using this figure Paul describes his role in presenting the ecclesia to Christ: “I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ” (2 Cor 11:2). Parents likewise should accept their responsibility of preparing and presenting their daughters as “chaste virgins” on their wedding day. They know the challenges and pressures of the world, and they “fear, lest by any means, as the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtilty”, so their daughters’ minds should be beguiled by worldly suggestions of moral or mental laxness—lured to seek fleshly pleasure and excitement instead of following the “simplicity that is in Christ”. A caring father who, together with his wife, is vigilant in these things, knows that he has been entrusted with this charge by God.
Care for Daughters Seen in the Law
In Israel a father, when giving his daughter in marriage, was in effect guaranteeing that she was pure and wholesome. The lessons from Deuteronomy 22:14–21 highlight this fact. If there was ever a question after marriage that this was not so, it was treated seriously. We may wonder about the details and how this was actually established, but the fact remains—Israel understood the charge was serious. Both father and mother understood the high moral standards that Yahweh’s holiness required, and were responsible, not only for teaching this to their daughters, but also sharing the responsibility to maintain it. They were to guide and keep their daughters safe from that sin which is commonly called “folly in Israel” (v21; see Gen 34:7; Judges 20:6; 2 Sam 13:12). Today, with such permissiveness preached and exhibited around us, fathers have a very real need to keep the principles of modesty in dress and deportment high in the minds of their daughters, as well as keeping them from places where these values are discounted. Modesty is a fundamental of holiness, and therefore must be instilled in the minds of daughters from early years. Like holiness, modesty is not a topic for negotiation (1 Pet 1:13–16). A daughter, knowing that her parents love her and seek only her good, will willingly submit to their guidance in these things, even if not fully understanding the reason for this at the time.
Daughters and Vows
In the matter of vows made by daughters there is another clear example of God’s guidance to fathers, as head of their household, in the care they are to show to their daughters. Those who have been influenced by the worldly wisdom behind equal rights for women may consider this law rather outdated. They will not see the wisdom that lies behind it. The law is found in Numbers 30:3–5: “If a woman also vow a vow unto the LORD, and bind herself by a bond, being in her father’s house in her youth; and her father hear her vow, and her bond wherewith she hath bound her soul, and her father shall hold his peace at her: then all her vows shall stand, and every bond wherewith she hath bound her soul shall stand. But if her father disallow her in the day that he heareth; not any of her vows, or of her bonds wherewith she hath bound her soul, shall stand: and the LORD shall forgive her, because her father disallowed her.”
It may seem a very commendable thing that a woman “in her youth” wishes to commit herself by a vow to a certain service to Yahweh. So why does Yahweh give her father the authority to intervene and revoke the vow? It is because the father has the overall care and guidance of his daughter—he is her head. The daughter’s vow may be motivated by the most wholesome spirit, but the father has the whole life of his daughter in mind, and he needs to balance out the overall bearing such a vow may have in the long term. Let us give an example. A young sister may hear a moving talk on mission work in distant lands and enthusiastically decide she will go out into a mission area to help with the work. Her father, taking all factors into consideration, may have concerns that she will not be able to cope with all aspects of the work or be able to cope if difficulties arise. He therefore says “no” to the project. He has balanced his decision with spiritual maturity and care for his daughter’s overall wellbeing. Do fathers realise that their daughter’s development, even in such an area, is to be moulded and directed by their guidance? A daughter must realise that her father has no doubt prayerfully made his decision, based on his care for her and what is best for her in the long term.
God’s Care of Young Wives
Another example of God’s care for young women is seen in the simple law regarding the first year of marriage: “When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken” (Deut 24:5). The expression “cheer up his wife” may have caused a smile at times, but in so doing we have possibly missed the significance of this very exacting law. The word “cheer up” speaks of “rejoicing” with his wife, and is so rendered in Proverbs 5:18–19: “Rejoice with the wife of thy youth”. Why was this law given? One could say, ‘Surely if war threatens the land all young ablebodied men should go out and fight’. The answer is a definite NO. A newly married man was to trust the war to Yahweh’s care and stay home and look after his new wife, and she in turn would learn to trust her husband. Likewise the young husband must be exempted from business matters beyond the normal requirement to provide for his new wife and himself. In fulfilment of God’s instruction in Genesis 2:24, he had left his father and mother and now was to cleave unto his new bride.
Young brethren, do you understand the great change of circumstances that has come upon a young bride? She has been brought up in a Godly household environment with the unfailing protection and guidance of her father and the loving care of her mother. They have watched over her and been her lifelong security. She now leaves this to take on the role of a “keeper at home” in her own home, submissively responding to the love, protection and guidance of her husband. He is to “dwell with her according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that his prayers be not hindered” (1 Pet 3:7). A father who is about to give his beloved daughter away will first ensure that the young brother who wishes to marry her understands the principles of this law. He will want to know that he has given serious thought to the responsibilities of setting up their own home so that his daughter will be provided and sufficiently cared for, knowing that then she can manifest those qualities of a wife and mother which she has been taught at home.
But Thou Excellest Them All
In conclusion let us recall some of the qualities of the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31. We know that the heart of her husband safely trusts in her, and that she will do him good all the days of her life. She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up, and call her blessed and her husband also praises her. We may ask, “Who was this woman?” The fact is that before she became this faithful wife and mother she was someone’s daughter. Those wonderful qualities that now make her so valuable to her husband, and esteem her in the eyes of her children, were instilled in her well before she was married. Thus the writer, when reflecting upon the outstanding virtues of this graceful woman, concludes with these words: “Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all” (v29). He realises that what he sees portrayed in her now is the result of having been well tutored in the ways of godliness and diligence in home and family matters. She has been taught and she believes that the fashion of the day is a fleeting vanity. She knows that lasting value is to fear Yahweh: “Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised” (v30).
So, fathers, knowing the blessing and pleasure it is to have daughters, let us with our wives be vigilant in preparing them for the future roles they will play when they mature to womanhood and become sisters in the ecclesia. Not all daughters will marry but they will all have a very valuable part to play in their service in Christ. And further, be assured that the loving care and guidance you show to your daughters while they are young and in your charge will be repaid handsomely when the years have rolled past and you are in your latter years. This ability to reciprocate loving care is just one of the many wonderful attributes that God has given to our daughters