One of the greatest blessings in the Truth is the opportunity to bring up children in a godly environment. We need to realise that they are God’s children lent to us to look after for Him. This great privilege is also a responsibility. As the response of the world diminishes, the future of the ecclesia lies increasingly in our children. We are therefore preparing the ecclesia of tomorrow, should the Master remain way. This then is a most important work of the younger married couples in the brotherhood.
Dealing with children often requires quick thinking, so we should watch our own spiritual development, that our instinctive reaction is right, guiding our young ones through times of joy and sorrow, laughter and crying, triumphs and disasters, with a continuing recognition of God’s love in all our lives. Our love of the Truth should be strong so that as young minds grow in discernment they may see that we love them and the Truth, and we may have the joy of seeing them led to obedience.
The process starts before the child is conceived. The “seed of Elohim” sought by Yahweh is first of all in the parents (Mal 2:15 mrg). Eve was formed “to evoke” in Adam “the latent resemblances of his similitude” to the Elohim (Elpis Israel p47). The spiritual development of both parents with a full commitment to the Truth, working together and helping each other will provide a godly harmonious home. This is easier said than done, but perseverance is well worthwhile.
Before the first child is born there are a few months’ opportunity to prepare for the birth. The hormonal changes taking place within the mother will need patience and understanding from the father. There will be work involved in preparation of the house for the new arrival. The miracle of new life and the wonder it brings will be balanced by the fact that life will never be the same again when the baby is born. Interrupted nights’ sleep may bring tiredness and lack of concentration. We know not “how the bones do grow in the womb” (Eccl 11:5), reminding us that this is a work of God, and He should be at the centre of our thoughts at this time.
“A woman when she is in travail hath sorrow, because her hour is come: but as soon as she is delivered of the child, she remembereth no more the anguish, for joy that a man is born into the world” (John 16:21). This reminds us that all our sorrows are a prelude to a time of joy. This miracle of new life, adorable and cuddly as it may be, is nevertheless “flesh” and will need to be trained in spiritual values. Its desire for milk is an indication of the desire we should have for the Word (1Pet 2:2).
The mother is mainly involved in the early stages of a child’s life. Hannah “gave her son suck until she had weaned him” (1Sam 1:23). We read that Samuel “grew” (2:21) and John and Jesus “waxed strong in spirit” (Luke 1:80; 2:40). The Truth must still come first. Mummy’s spiritual health is important as she adopts new routines, so the ecclesia and family will not be forgotten. She will still attend meetings when she can, and daddy will see to it that she has as much opportunity as possible. Soon there will be Sunday School and the child can be taught to recognise the love of God and to offer simple prayers. In all things we should aim for consistency.
Children need boundaries and feel more secure when they know ‘how far they can go’. They need a godly background with understanding of right and wrong by the time they go to school. Few have a Heritage College to go to; so the tussle with the world can start early. They will find friends at school, and this is not necessarily a bad thing if it does not clash with ecclesial activities. But the Truth still comes first and the ecclesia should still be the focus of their, and our, attention. It is a time of quick decisions and children need guidance into profitable pursuits. Avoid hypocrisy at all costs—children are very perceptive in this area. It is not good to say “no” to everything, and hobbies under parental control help to broaden their experience. The best course is to get them involved in, and comfortable with, the meetings. Bible reading is an excellent way to develop reading skills. Reading stories to them is time well spent and family holidays will enhance the family bond.
By this time other children may have come along. Here is an opportunity for the older to share in the wonder of new life. On the other hand a new baby is a rival for attention, so it is good for them to share in the work of looking after baby. At this stage we should understand that children are different. Even with the same parents and the same upbringing there are plenty of scriptural examples of this: Cain and Abel, Jacob and Esau etc. We have as far as possible to lead each individual character in godly ways, and accept that each has his or her contribution to make to the family as a whole. As more children are born we need to watch our attitude, particularly if unexpected. They are “an heritage”, a “reward”, and we should be “happy” (Psa 127:3–5). Mealtimes should be happy occasions, even if discipline is needed! (Psa 128:3–4).
It is not only parents and children that are involved. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, some of whom may have no children of their own, ‘meeting aunts and uncles’, and possibly cousins too, will all be interested in your family. They can all help as an extended family in making the children feel as though they belong. Don’t exclude them; they are your extended family too.
Money can be a problem with a young family. Children should learn to be responsible with it and giving them all they ask for is not good. They need to know they cannot have everything others have. As far as possible the opportunity to take them to outings and fraternals should be taken. Gatherings with other families in the Truth are an excellent source of companionship that will help them to look forward to the next time, and we all benefit from like-minded company. Bible Schools are an important way to widen the circle of their acquaintance, and form lasting friendships.
The Scriptures are full of advice on family relationships. The whole of the book of Proverbs is an exhortation to a son. Here is an area where we have first to set an example. Look for instance at Proverbs 6:20–24. We are told to “keep”, “forsake not”, “bind” and “tie” the “commandment” and “law”—keep them with us all the time. There are two issues here. We have first to carry it out ourselves, and then give wise counsel to our children. If we go then to Proverbs 22:6 we are told to “train up a child in the way he should go”. How do we do this? Deuteronomy 6:4–7 tells us. The basis is that Yahweh will ultimately be a multitude in one. It is His good pleasure to call us to be part of Him. Our response should be to love Him with all our being, and make His Word the heartbeat of our lives. Then we use that same Word to sharpen our children, talking constantly of it in our conversation day by day with them and with each other. If only we could live up to this high standard and so inspire our children likewise. This is the way we develop a “seed of Elohim”, or as Paul exhorts the sisters, “guide the house” (1Tim 5:14).
As we all know “the flesh” needs discipline, and children in particular need discipline if they are to be led to righteousness: indeed children are happier if they know what is acceptable and what is not. Proverbs exhorts us to “train up” a child, (22:6) and, if “foolishness” remains, to use “the rod of correction” (22:15). Even then it should be done in love for the benefit of the child (Heb 12:10). Children will respect this if they know what has been done wrong and the punishment is administered in the right spirit. Anger needs to be kept well under control in this situation.
There are other important aspects. Children need to be entrusted with responsibility so that their diligence can be developed. A real danger is favouritism, which may seem justified, but can create resentment, as Jacob found. We should consider appropriate rewards for particularly good behaviour. Children’s spiritual progress should be our constant concern. Every family has its occasional disaster, or a problem the parents cannot solve on their own. Where do they go for help? First we should go to the Father in prayer. Then we should involve the ecclesia; firstly a respected brother or sister, and then if necessary, the arranging brethren. Ideally we should never need to seek help outside the brotherhood.
When children attend a senior school, more aspects need to be considered. They will be with older children and preparing for the adult world. Their questions will become more penetrating and the answers need to be given more thought. We see now the value of a good foundation laid in their earlier years, as they should already be able to think through solutions for themselves. We are now laying a foundation for the next stage. The question of propriety of relationships of boys with girls should be made clear to them and the dangers to be aware of. In Genesis 34 Dinah went “to see the daughters of the land” but it was a son who saw her, and we know the evil that followed. One of the greatest dangers of a sheltered upbringing is ‘going overboard’ when challenged by such an environment.
This can be a very busy time involving much sacrifice of time and money. They should be encouraged to get fully involved in activities in the Truth, and if we belong to a small ecclesia this may involve long journeys. Having laid a good foundation we need to give them some freedom to make their own decisions. Good companionship should be encouraged, but not imposed against their will. The family should still be at the centre of their lives, being led by a father who has the courage to “keep and do all that is written”, “to love Yahweh our God”; not “cleave unto the remnant of these nations”, but say “as for me and my house, we will serve Yahweh” (Josh 23:6–16, 24:14–15).
As they get older our children should learn to discern character and be drawn to those who are spiritually minded. They need privacy for prayer and their own study and contemplation of the Word. They may then be thinking of baptism but the decision needs to come from them. If such a decision is not forthcoming this will be a test of our care and love for our children; they remain God’s children and need to be led in the right way; hopefully they will respond later. We endeavour to prevent the “cares and riches and pleasures of this life” choking the Word for them (Luke 8:14). If they do respond, may they be a true “seed of Elohim” and receive “a full reward of Yahweh God of Israel, under whose wings” they have “come to trust” (Ruth 2:12).
This may all sound utopian and we all have our failures, but effort brings its reward. Would that it be said of us as it was said of Abraham: “For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of Yahweh, to do justice and judgment; that Yahweh may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him” (Gen 18:18–19).