The saints of God are subject to the same evils that beset all mankind. But trust in God brings benefits that cannot be felt by those who have not the hope we embrace. Most avoid the contemplation of death, because of the pain and trauma it brings. But none of us is exempt from its shadow and most are closely touched by it in some way during our lives. One writer on the subject summarises the experience of many: “Losing someone you love is like losing part of yourself. It can be even more painful if those around you avoid sharing your grief or assume you will get over it quickly… Bereavement is not an experience you recover from, but in time you will find a way to live with your loss.”
The following is a real letter that was sent to a brother whose wife had recently fallen asleep in Christ, though the names have been changed.
My dear brother Sam ,
Greetings in the sure and firm hope that we share.
I write as one who has some understanding of the circumstances in which you now find yourself with the loss of your dear Sarah. My heart goes out to you at this time, my brother, for I do not underestimate the extent of your loss, even though it is now over three years since my own dear wife fell asleep.
Sorrow is quite natural at such a time and I would urge you to allow yourself to express that in whatever way you feel is appropriate.
Whilst sorrowing, we must at the same time keep perspective (I speak to myself also). God has allowed it to happen. Jen and I always believed in the words of Paul in Romans 8 that “all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose…” When she was diagnosed with cancer, we looked at the issue squarely and came to the conclusion that Paul was right. Now that she has fallen asleep I am thankful to be able to say that I still believe it to be true.
What is the “good” of which he speaks? This is difficult to quantify initially—but it gradually comes—certainly prayer becomes very vibrant in such a way as to make the Father so real that one could reach out and touch Him. Perhaps there is an increase in patience—perhaps the opportunity for others in your circle of friends to express God manifestation in very practical ways. There are many forms in which the “good” may come. There is no doubt in my mind that it makes the coming Kingdom a greater reality and the need for it more pressing.
My brother—I would urge you from my own experience to take each day one at a time. If there is one thing that it is important for you to get from this letter it is this. Our Lord said that “sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof”. And it is true.
I found the need to try not to plan too far ahead. Take each day one at a time. You can cope with an hour—then a day. Leave it at that for some time. Some things take care of themselves. In due course you will be able to plan ahead. Only do this when you feel capable of doing so. Our emotion sometimes comes to the fore. Let it have its turn.
Our Heavenly Father is always there—very close.
Some strategies that I learnt were things like—when hymns expressed sentiments which I could not cope with—then I simply did not sing. God knows our feelings. With God’s help, gradually the strength comes.
Keep occupied—but ensure that you work within a limited objective. Keeping the mind on a useful activity is good therapy. It builds on the positive principles of the Truth. But do not overload yourself. Keep the objective limited.
In my case I continued with most of my ecclesial roles, however after six months I found the need to relinquish the responsibility of Arranging Brother in order to have the time to rebuild myself and devote time to the development of my family. Now I am actively engaged in ecclesial work again—with God’s help.
I am not the same person any more. The experience changes one—and this is part of the “good”. I am more vulnerable in some ways, but more able to perceive the needs of those who suffer in similar ways.
No doubt you will be able to find someone who understands, someone you can talk to. You don’t have to talk a lot of ‘logic’. Just find someone with a sympathetic ear who will listen—a ‘listening post’.
It does not have to be a talkative person, for such are not always good listeners. I found brother Phil a good listener (he had lost his first wife under similar circumstances) but he also now has fallen asleep.
Above all things, remember that God knows and cares. He has permitted this. Do not fathom the reasons. Accept it. He will tell us all in due course. Yahweh has given us the strength to have the victory over all things.
Your children will be a strength to you. All the hours that you have together put into raising a family will be amply repaid. They have been one of my greatest strengths. Yes, they have needs too—but your need is greater at present and where there is a need there will be resources adequate to meet the need. You will not understand how strong they are until they have the opportunity to rise to the occasion. Tap that source of strength.
In a little while—take a holiday. One that is restful, but active enough to let you feel that you have accomplished something. Again, do not overdo it. Work within your limitations.
My brother, I have tried to be positive in my advice to you. I have, perhaps, some idea how you feel and have tried to convey this as well as can be done on paper. No doubt there are many other things that could be said but this is sufficient for now. For the present remember this—in those close marriages like yours and mine, husband and wife grow closer together as, over time, they face life united. When one dies, and I say this with difficulty, they must grow apart. We both know that “she” is not here any more. Yes, the experiences were real, the relationship was real—and we have been changed by it closer to the image of our God. Yet it is His glorious son that we yearn to see. Meditate on his holy character—see his very actions—“read” his mind in the Scriptures—look for him daily. He is real. In the day of his coming, not only will there be a joyous re-union, but fullness of joy in his presence.
May the God of all comfort and strength enfold His loving arms around you and provide.
Your brother in hope of the early appearing of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ,